To Love A Hero
by Pantz
Summary: Tell him, tell him you love him. He'll tell you, painfully, that he loves you, too.


**Disclaimer: Everything from hp books belongs to jk rowling**

**To Love A Hero**

Hear a story about him when you are three. Have a nightmare. Make your mother put you to bed. Tell her to tell you a story about a hero. She'll tell you about him.

He was a baby, she'll say. Looked just like his father. Had his mother's stunning, emerald eyes.

The world was dark back then, she'll say. A bad wizard was doing evil things. His parents were brave. They fought the bad wizard and then gave their lives fighting for their child. The bad wizard wanted to kill their little baby. When he tried, the baby saved them all.

Ask her to tell it again a few weeks later. Learn more. Ask questions. Where is he now? Why does no one ever see him? Does he know he's a wizard? Is he happy?

Dream about him. Make him become the prince of your fantasy. Dream about him rescuing you. About him kissing you. Dream about him loving you. Know in your heart that one day, he will.

Let the years pass. Think about him sometimes. Not always, just when you're alone and the world outside lays still. Listen for news of him. Perk your ears when you hear your mother whisper that someone caught sight of him in London. "What a handsome boy he has become," she'll say sadly. Don't ask questions. Don't ask her why she cries every time she hears news of him. It's painful. It's her past. Leave it there.

But wonder about him in those moments. Wonder what his shaggy hair would feel like between your fingers. Dream about gazing into those beautiful eyes you never stop hearing about. Don't wish for him to be with you at the moment though. You're nine now. You're too old for that.

Instead, allow time to do the work for you. Wait a year. Wait for your big brother to go away to school and go to the station with him. Look up and notice a skinny boy standing alone. Feel flutters in your stomach. Wonder where his family is. Hide your face when he comes over to your family. Smile at him. Wish him luck when he goes through the platform. Think that he seems so familiar to you.

Start to laugh one day when you get your first letter from Ron. Laugh as hard as you can until you cry because it was _him_. That boy you saw at the station was _him._ Remember your fantasies when you were little. Remember loving the idea of him. Fall in love with that idea again. He's your brother's best friend. It could happen.

Try not to be sad when you see him that summer. Don't hate the fact that you're Ron's little sister and he can't see you the way you want. Stay happy. Keep the blush on your cheeks. Keep the stutter in your mouth. Put your elbow in the butter bowl. He'll blow you away. He'll seem extraordinary. He isn't, but he'll seem it.

Go to school. Get into Gryffindor. Sit with him at the feast. Observe him for the first time as a person, not as a hero. Wonder why his eyes are forever misted with pain. Wonder what it's like to be an orphan. Ask him to pass the salt, the pepper, the pumpkin juice. Smile brightly. He'll smile back.

Fawn over him in the background. Your crush suddenly comes back. An obsession. Write him a Valentines Day Card. Follow him to class. Write about him in your diary. Don't be sad when he's embarrassed. Don't cry when you realize you're only the little sister. He's twelve. Give him time.

Allow him to fall out of your radar. Become absorbed in your diary. Fall in love for the first time. Tom. Handsome, smart Tom. Tom always knows what to do. Tom is always there when you need him. With Tom, you'll never have to be lonely.

Let him save you. Tom betrayed you. Used you. Let him be your hero. He'll fight to the death for you. He'll tear himself apart trying to save you. When he does, realize suddenly, that you have loved him all along.

Let the years pass and marinate in your love for him. Watch him in quidditch. Talk to him in the common room. Be his friend. It's nice. It's refreshing. It just isn't what you want it to be. Remember that sometimes, it's just the way life works.

Go to a dance with one of his friends. Ask yourself if he'll notice you. Blush when Ron suggests you go together. Hide your pain at having to turn him down. Dress with extra care. Curl your hair. Put color on your eyes. Be the Belle of the Ball. Don't worry when you don't catch his eye. Don't drown in your sorrows. Have fun. Dance with your date. He's still so young. Only fourteen, after all.

Decide, maybe, that you've had enough. This crush of yours has caused too much pain. This wish for the future seems dimmer with each passing year. Decide to be friends. Move on. Kiss other boys. One you'll like more then the others. Michael. Go out with him.

When you see him that summer, don't cry. He'll be rude. He'll be angry. He'll be in so much pain. Remember he watched a classmate die. Remember someone he trusted tried to kill him. Remember his friends had ignored him all summer until that point. In the end, just be his friend.

Don't think on the fact that he never once yells at you. Don't feel special because he'll seek you out to get away from Hermione and Ron. Just talk to him like he wants to. Tell him about Michael. Tell him how happy you are. Try not to be disappointed when you realize he isn't jealous at all.

Distance yourself from him at school. Come into your own. Live for yourself for the first time. People love you. You're a brilliant, caring, out-going girl and people cannot get enough of you. Join his army. Join his quidditch team. Know in your heart that you are over him. That you are your own person, finally. It took you too long.

Kiss Michael. Go to Hogsmeade with Michael. Fall in love with him. Know it's a childish love. Harbor no fantasies about forever and marriage and kids. Know Michael is your present. Know it won't go anywhere. But love him for what he does to you. He makes you happy. He makes you love life. You're fourteen. What else do you need?

You won't cry when Michael breaks up with you for Cho Chang. You'll have bigger problems. You'll have him to deal with. Be there for him when his godfather dies. Hold his hand. Hide pearly tears. Don't say a word. Know that he doesn't want to hear words.

Put energy into him over the summer. Play quidditch. Work on your technique. Go into Diagon Alley and shop. Eat ice cream. Let him take you into Hogsmeade. Pretend his life hasn't fallen apart. Pretend a war isn't brewing around you. Allow yourselves to be blissful with each other.

Tell them about Dean quietly on the train. Turn a deaf ear on Ron's rants. Smile when Hermione offers her congratulations. Try not to notice the look in his eyes when you tell him you have a boyfriend. Try not to notice the quick hurt that explodes and disappears as quickly as it came. It'll tear him apart, but not even he will know it.

He's eyes will follow you whenever you're with Dean. Ignore it. Don't look at him. Stop, stop smiling his way. You're a fool. You're getting sucked in. But you don't realize it. You're as blind as he is.

Laugh with him some nights because your brother's a dumbass. Debate about which one is more oblivious, Ron or Hermione. Take Hermione's side. You know he will take Ron's. Call Lavender a tramp. Make him squirm until he agrees with you. Make him say Ronald Weasly is a prat who can't play quidditch. Laugh when he does. Let your eyes sparkle. Feel alive.

When you break up with Dean, you have to ask yourself why. Know only that some invisible force made you see that it was the right thing to do. Yell at Dean. Call him a jerk. Slap him across the face. But feel it inside of you. You're free.

When he kisses you, try not to be so surprised. Don't ask him questions about it. He won't know the answers. Just take his hand, leave the common room, and allow yourselves to just be.

Allow yourself to get sucked in. Smell the flowers. Swim in the lake. Never stop smiling. Realize that this is your dream. Live it to the fullest. There will be rumors. There will be jealousy. Ignore it. Spread your own rumors. Kiss your hero and know that life will be perfect forevermore.

Then realize, painfully, that life isn't a fairytale.

Go to your headmasters funeral. Maybe shed a tear. Maybe know the feeling beyond tears. When he takes your hand. When he looks at you with his brooding hero eyes know what is coming. Be prepared. Be ready. Do not be shocked. He's always been self-sacrificing. He's always had to give up everything he loves. Why do you think you would be different?

You won't cry. You'll feel the phantom of his hand inside yours. You'll listen for his voice and hear echoes of when he would whisper in your hear. You'll feel the ghost of a kiss on your lips. You won't cry. You won't give in to the melancholy. You're at war now and he's your savior. Some things, you realize, are bigger then you could ever possibly be.

Think about him at night. Wonder where he is and if he's safe. Wonder if he thinks about you. If his heart aches because he misses you. Dance with him at your brother's wedding. Kiss his cheek. Finally cry a single tear. Tell him, tell him you love him. He'll tell you, painfully, that he loves you too.

Your heart will break when you watch him leave. It will begin to break every time you think about him. Suddenly, it isn't so easy. He left you. _He _left_ you._ So what if he's risking his life? So what if the world needs him and you're being immature? Can't he realize that you need him, too?

Throw yourself into your school work. Throw yourself into your friends. Throw yourself into the student war effort. Replace him with life. Allow yourself to move on. Remember him only when you're lying alone in bed thinking somehow life could offer you something else.

When you see him again, don't cry. Know you have to remain strong for him. Know in days time he will be leaving again. Know that the horror he will tell you about is just the beginning. Tell him, tell him you love him. He'll tell you, painfully, that he loves you too.

Spend that night with him. Give yourself to him. Know the futures obscure. Know he isn't a person able to live normally with you. Know, also, that you will never again love a person like you love him. That sometimes without him you feel like an empty shell. Don't cry when he isn't there in the morning. He had to leave. He has a mission. Be happy at the tenderness of the night before. Remember it. It'll begin to haunt you.

Try your best to keep up your façade. Sneak to rallies in Diagon Alley. Keep practicing your curses. Know that when the time comes for you to fight, you'll be ready.

When your parents die, don't cry that he doesn't come to the funeral. Listen to Ron's explanation. Hear that he loves you. Tell Ron, tell Ron that you love him too. Walk away. Sit alone in the woods. Wonder how you've spent your life blindly loving a boy whose world could never have been about you. He loves you, but he loves the wizarding world more.

You're selfish, but you're only sixteen.

When you see him again, cry tears of joy. Hold his hand. Kiss his lips. Don't realize, sadly, that he came here to tell you goodbye. _This is it,_ he'll say. _This is the end_. Don't wonder if he's talking about the war or his life. You'll find out soon enough.

Tell him, tell him you love him. He'll tell you, painfully, that he loves you too.

When he dies, realize that life has to go on. Cry for months. Spend days at his grave. Stop living. Drink fire whiskey. Make every person in the world that cares for you worry. Then one day allow yourself to realize that he didn't give his life for you to be empty. He gave it for you to live.

Hate him some days for leaving you. Rage against him. Shout to nothing that he wasn't supposed to die. Hate the world on those days. Hate yourself. Mostly hate him for allowing your dreams to be fulfilled for only a few short months. Hate him for taking so long to realize he loved you.

The years will pass. Move on. Go out with friends. Sit at the Burrow with your brother. Grow up. Grow old. Remember him, but allow yourself to live. You're young. You're going on eighteen. Don't die for his love for you. Live for it.

When you fall in love again, don't wonder about the similarities. Don't allow yourself to compare. No one will ever compare to_ him._ Just know you found someone to love you. Just know for the first time since you were sixteen, you feel alive.

When you marry him, you'll be twenty-two. Realize it's young but realize also that you can't imagine spending your life with anyone else. Feel pain at that knowledge. Cry some tears. Remember your hero.

Go to him before the wedding. Go to his grave. Sit there in your wedding dress. Tell him you wish it were him. Know it to be true. Cry tears for him. Believe he's with you.

Tell him, tell him you love him. Imagine, imagine he says he loves you too. Then walk away and live. There's nothing else you can do.

END


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